Parenting after separation: the challenges of co-parenting

In theory, co-parenting is based on harmonious collaboration between separated parents, centred around the child’s well-being. But the reality can be much more complex, especially when relations between the parents are strained or even contentious. Navigating these challenges while protecting the child can seem a daunting task. Yet even in these difficult moments, it’s possible to find ways to maintain a stable, loving environment for the child.

Here are some concrete strategies for dealing with shared responsibilities in difficult co-parenting situations.

1. Focus on the child

   Always keep in mind that the child’s well-being comes first. Show the child that you’re there for them, even if the ex-spouse doesn’t cooperate.

2. Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the child

   Even if it’s sometimes difficult. Don’t forget that the child carries characteristics of this parent, and their self-esteem may suffer as a result. In addition, it is very important that the child doesn’t feel caught in the crossfire: It’s an uncomfortable situation that’s likely to create anxiety, which could have consequences in many areas of their life: school, relationships with others, and so on.

3. Establish safe routines

   Create consistent routines and habits in your own home. Children need to feel secure and know what to expect, even if things can be more chaotic with the other parent.

4. Establish a transition ritual

   The child may exhibit more challenging behaviours for a few hours, or even days, after returning from the other parent’s home. Plan for this by scheduling a gentle ritual, such as reading or listening to a favourite song, and by not overloading the schedule during this period: this is not a good time to go shopping, for example.

5. Encourage the child to express their emotions

   Create a safe space for the child to talk about their feelings about the situation. Make sure they don’t feel guilty or responsible for the co-parenting problems. A magnetic board or an app with icons could greatly help children express their feelings or needs without always having to use words.

1. Use a specialized communication platform

   If direct communication is difficult, opt for apps or platforms designed for co-parenting, such as 2houses and Planiclick (a Quebec-based family business), which allow you to share information without direct interaction.

2. Offer intelligent compromises

   Offering a compromise can sometimes defuse a tense situation. Show that you’re willing to make an effort for the child’s sake, even if it seems unfair.

3. Communicate factually

   Avoid emotional discussions and focus on the facts. Use short, direct messages to communicate essential information about the child (appointments, needs, etc.).

4. Document recurring problems

   If specific problems occur frequently (such as failure to keep to schedules), keep a record of dates and events. This could be useful should mediation or legal intervention become necessary.

5. Set clear limits

   Define limits for interactions with the other parent. For example, limit discussions to child-related topics and avoid discussing personal matters.

1. Stay calm and patient

   Even if the other parent doesn’t cooperate, maintain a calm and patient attitude. Some people seek power by making others lose their emotional control. Don’t fall into the trap, and call on your own resources to prepare yourself mentally to keep your cool for your child’s well-being. Keeping calm can also prevent tensions from escalating.

2. Model maturity

   Show your child how to handle challenges with dignity and perseverance. Your positive attitude in the face of difficulties can have a constructive influence on the child, even in the absence of cooperation from the other parent. Also, don’t have any expectations of appreciation from the other parent, and find your own ways of getting emotional support and encouragement.

3. Foster ties with the extended family

   Encourage the child to maintain relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins in the other parent’s family. A sense of belonging to one’s “clan” is an important factor in a child’s well-being.

4. Set realistic expectations

   Accept that you can’t change the other parent’s attitude. Focus on what you can control and set realistic expectations for co-parenting.

5. Protect your own mental well-being

   Co-parenting with an uncooperative partner can be stressful. Make sure you take care of your own mental health by practising activities that soothe you, such as sports, meditation or therapy.

Coping with difficult co-parenting can leave you feeling deeply helpless. When collaborating with the other parent seems impossible, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, frustrated and even discouraged.

Yet even in those moments when control seems to be slipping away, it’s essential to remember that your efforts are not in vain. Every decision you make for the good of your child, even in the face of obstacles, contributes to their development. Accepting that some things are beyond your control, while focusing on what you can change, can ease that feeling of helplessness. Your steadfastness and love will always be a beacon for your child, even in the midst of storms.

Finally, don’t lose sight of what’s most important: your child’s happiness and safety!